Life As Me Knows It

Reckless in happiness

2009-02-02T11:52:00.003+05:30

It's amazing to revel with a child. Abandoning all rules, hypocrisy and mental walls.
Arushi brings out the eternal spring of happiness from within. Her games, the mindless blabbering, the songs, the chatter, the snuggling and the cajoling....everything makes me my real self. Makes me who I am and proud to be living in the here and now.

Thank you darling. And thank you AC for being the other half of this genesis.

His alone

2007-05-17T00:23:00.000+05:30

Perhaps on a quiet moment in time, one evening, as I gathered the remnants of the day, He passed me by. The aura unmistakable, the strength immeasurable and the beauty indescribable.

Touched I was for sure.

The smile I smiled from then on lives in my heart.

'I Believe!!!', I screamed. And have screamed time & time again. All shreds of doubt gone and huge waves of love are all that remain. Tears flow incessantly and tranquil shades of peace flow & flood the being.

Let me live in bliss & may His tribe increase.

Sunshine turns one

2006-12-12T22:44:00.000+05:30

You came through us. Our lives touched by an angel from God. As you sleep, we wish you dreams of golden fields & days of light. We wish you endless laughter & joyful friendships. We wish you careless abandon & glittering skies full of stars. We wish you a free heart & abundant love. Thank you. You have given us more than we could ever dream of. We can only love you like no other. Mom & Dad

For AC

2006-06-23T12:46:00.000+05:30

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or
topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots
off. I love you as certain dark things are to be
loved, in secret, between the shadow and the
soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms but
carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or
from where. I love you straightforwardly, without
complexities or pride; so I love you because I
know no other way

than this: Where “I” does not exist, nor “You”,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Taking it in

2006-06-06T21:53:00.000+05:30

Etched in the furrows of my being
I was born before they made crease-free.
Happenings in toto,
My brain has a life of its own
And greedy as hell
Processes all that it sees -
Leaving nothing to imagination.
Imagination left to write verses like these

It means one cannot shut out
Parts of the past that pester;
Nor dodge dollops of happiness
That ever transpired.
I am my own walking memory machine
Forever trying to forget,
But waking each time to realize
That the dream is already lived.

Rajkumar passes away

2006-04-12T19:25:00.000+05:30

I did not know him the way most Kannadigas would. I have seen a few movies of his and enjoyed some amazing melodies sung by him.

And yet, today when we learnt that he had passed away, something inside me cried. Somehow the whole scene with the wife and sons mourning him, brought tears to my eyes. A reminder call again that all our days are numbered. He had pledged his eyes so someone could see when he could no more. His eyes reminded me of dad always. The same kindness and the twinkle with the faraway look... His songs are playing on the radio and I can just pray for his family to be at peace.

Through her eyes

2006-03-26T22:22:00.000+05:30

As I walked my daughter through our apartment block today, I told her about the myriad things around us. Trees, blossoms, clouds, walkways, bikes, people... I stopped the pram to 'explain' to her how daddy plays tennis and kids ride bikes and we saw occasional cars speed by.

Her face lit up as I spoke to her and a smile was barely perceptible. Her eyes had a faraway look that almost mocked me. As if to say..."YOU adults have put things in brackets, buckets and stamped them this way and that. You think you are explaining "reality" to me. From where I come, I have the ability to find meaning in all of God's creations & smile happily. To me, the flight of the sparrow and the touch of your hand are equally beautiful and make me gurgle in delight. Just be with me as I observe all this, mamma. I am my own person already."

I just smiled and smiled as we walked back home.

2006

2006-01-07T18:29:00.000+05:30

A brand new year rings in. We are caught with our eyes wide shut & deja vu. We were here someplace similar last year around the same time as the bells tolled away the magic spells and ears craned to listen. But then so much has changed. I am reminded of the Pink Floyd number: Time

May the new year make us wiser & happier. May we have many more songs to sing and may the hearts always 'tell' their tales. Amen.

**Time**
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.

Life as me knows it : reborn

2005-12-22T18:23:00.000+05:30

'Life as me knows it' took on an entirely new meaning on 13th December 2005.
She entered our lives and has made us believe in miracles.

Who is she? She is the frangrance of jasmines on a dewy morning. The sparkle of green waters under bright sunshine. The glint of moonlight amongst the swaying peepal trees. The sound of old music bringing back familiar aches. The smell of memories in old letters. The glimpses of things that were, as they jog through the mind.

And most of all she is love. Two strangers whose paths crossed & whose hearts pulsated together. Who knew not then that there was an intricate design in their meeting. Love as pure and gentle as it can be. Love that is beyond words today.
Born as her. The first ray of the sun!

God has touched us and we can only thank Him profusely forever & ever.

Give me this day...

2005-11-04T18:06:00.000+05:30

my daily dose of eat, sleep and waiting. It's the waiting that has been the roughest ride. No matter what anyone says (family included). I have been patient. With only the occasional flare in systolics. No worry. This too shall pass.

Expectations not met, work debilitating at times. I play mind games. Just to prove a point. To keep the pain from showing.

And all people can see & say is "This gestation has been so peaceful." And so it comes to be. Yet again, I possibly own this experience like so many others in my life. It's one of those things I do well. So noone really will know what transpired. Just God and I know the goings on. Let's keep it that way. :)

Y a w n!

2005-10-13T09:51:00.000+05:30

This holiday week has turned out just fine! For once, the past two days have seen zilch traffic from home to work & today we drove to work in a record 12 minutes! Why doesn't Dassera happen more often? :)

So here we are. Funny city. It is raining on October 12th, when monsoon supposedly fades away from the country by September end. I'm happy for one! I love the rains! The baby seems happy too. In fact, it has been in deep slumber today. I need a cuppa tea. Y A W N

Kitni bechain hoke tumse milii

2005-07-15T11:33:00.000+05:30

On one of my frequent (yes, they are fairly regular in their occurrence now) visits to the loo in office, I took time to spend 2 minutes extra at the mirror. Looked me face up & decided I needed a wash. So did just that. Rubbed the face dry and walked back out. Lo and behold! The door is jammed. Looked through the glass and discovered there was one of them signboards on the outside that read : "Closed for Maintenance - Inconvenience regretted"

I try my luck at the door. Won't budge. So try banging a little, albeit in a shy sort of way cos its an office remember? Lots of people pass outside. Some lost in thought, some rummaging papers, some with cups-o-tea...but they all ignore my pleas for help. So I wait. Try the cell phone to call a colleague for help. Signal's low. Get a frantic call from boss. There's a meeting planned and Im not around. He can't hear me, hangs up. Signal's low. DARN!

As if in answer to my prayers, she comes swaying by. Green saree and red blouse. Smile on supari chewing lips almost mocking my state-o-affairs. The badge on her person tells me she is "Yellamma". Unlocks the door and in a raspy voice says, "Yen amma, yenaithu?!" (kya madum, kya hua) I just say a hurried thanks, "Aamele barthini" (Will come later). She laughs.

I hum on my way out ..."Kitni bechain hoke tumse milii, mujhko kya thii khabar ki main itni akeli..." Bipasha Basu wouldn't have found a more opportune time to sing that one!

On children...

2005-07-08T17:03:00.000+05:30

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Boliye surilee boliyaan...

2005-06-23T16:37:00.000+05:30

Often ponder what the little angel coming home in December will be like...

Right now its a strange unexpainable feeling...I can feel this being inside, sometimes fidgety sometimes calm...making its presence felt.

I talk sometimes to this angel...about colours, poetry, light (remember she/he is in a cushion of warm darkness so far!), people, memories, love and music. I sing too. Songs of faraway places, of winds, seas, blossoms and rain. At 15 weeks, the heart beats almost in tune with mine, the eyes are closed, the mind developing....but the ears are fully functional! I revel cos I'm being heard! All day and night!

Like Gulzar wrote.. 'Meri awaaz hi pehchaan hai, gar yaad rahe' Yaad rakhna, angel!

Process issues

2005-06-10T10:06:00.000+05:30

So many process issues and so little time.

Love? To taste it once and thirst forever. Life short, dreams endless.
Like someone said, 'Not all my old dreams came true but Im glad I had them'. Weak solace but what else do I have?

No time to stand and stare. No time to help and share. No time to dare and bare. No time to care and spare. No time to grin and bear. ..
Only time to flare and flare.

Bhramari Pranayam. Induces sleep. Should try earnestly, no?

Yeats

2004-07-27T11:20:00.000+05:30

I smile and make no reply for my heart is free of care.
As the peach-blossom flows down stream and is gone into the unknown,
I have a world apart that is not among men.
Amidst the flowers a jug of wine,
I pour alone lacking companionship.
So raising the cup I invite the Moon,
Then turn to my shadow which makes three of us.
Because the Moon does not know how to drink,
My shadow merely follows the movement of my body.
The moon has brought the shadow to keep me company a while,
The practice of mirth should keep pace with spring.
I start a song and the moon begins to reel,
I rise and dance and the shadow moves grotesquely.
While I'm still conscious let's rejoice with one another,
After I'm drunk let each one go his way.
Let us bind ourselves for ever for passionless journeyings.
Let us swear to meet again far in the Milky Way.

Nuggets of gold

2004-07-07T19:45:00.000+05:30

Just so happens that my job ensures that I receive scores of applications everyday and with them come the hopes and electric dreams of the aspirant wanting to join the place that employs me.

Some pearls of wisdom from all such heart rending, beseeching and will-not-take-no-for-an-answer mails are given below. Yenjaay!

->At very first I solemnly happy to take this chance which is which is offered by you and I proud of this chance.
(Tears in our eyes)

->Take a look at my cv and you will be shocked with happiness.(What hit us?)

->I guess I match the profile in your ad like 100% man.
(Yo dude, we think you're way too cool for us man!)

->I wish to share my knowledge with your company and also getting more input of my knowledge from your company.
(And we input this cv in this trash can I say)

->Amongst the other things of my interest I also love gardening, making dosa and walking barefooted and waving legs in sea water.
(Watch that shark, girl.)

->I am able to think completely into the next level. As per out of the box and into higher understanding.
(I'm boxed for sure)

->My understanding html well, but not very much.
(Yeah, yeah..)

->My head is full of new management type thinking. I am having good leaderships and software's in-defth mastery.
(Shine on, you crazy diamond..)

->Full of good attitudes and friendliest type of personality mine is.
(Me too is of same type only)

AND FINALLY ...this one came to me recently...it takes the cake!

-> -Om Sai Shakti-
Dear madam,
I called from the local std bhooth to your office telefon and again and again it ringing and goes to recording of your voice. I'm not able to reach to you and passing on my message into this email. I have send across the cv again to yur offices email address, that which you gave on your company web's site. I am looking in all the picture on the site and it is nice. Feeling nice people working and putting heads together. Idea of mine is waiting to get from your this reply and then only i will relax. As per again my genuwine regard and long health prosperity to you.

Regards,
XXX
ps:Tell again if I have to send and cv is not came properly,ok?

The little cares that fret me…

2004-06-24T17:01:00.000+05:30

Scary how caring gets the better of me. I seem to struggle with everyday stuff everyday. Guess this happens when you grow up in a home full of people minding everyone’s business all of the time and their own business some of the time.

Parents taught us (me n little sis) to put others before self. Something like love your relatives, neighbours, friends, acquaintances, local grocer, chemist, cobbler, sabjiwalla, autorickshaw wallas…….the list is close to infinite. If the world awaited us and our caring, how could we shirk away?!

So it came to be that on a lazy Sunday noon, R and I would patiently wait our turn at the local hair cutting saloon (that’s what they were called before becoming Hairstyling Salons) to trim our tresses and just when either of us were to climb the fateful revolving chair and don the black plastic cloak, the whiny pesky little boy standing right behind our mom would holler and mom would quickly hustle us out of the way and plonk the runny-nosed imp on the chair all the while smiling gleefully at the brat’s mother. “Its ok, let him sit…bechara” she would say indulgently. And would turn to us and mutter, “He has short hair, it will get done faster”. And we would watch the pest slyly look at our reflections in the mirror and smirk I could have punched him on his nose then n there but then all-pervasive forgiveness was another virtue worth dying for.

We soon realized that shying away from caring for or about or with others was as good as cold blooded murder. Dutiful daughters that we were, we were often asked to feel the pain of a neighbor’s dental cavity recently filled, understand the hardship of the obese girl in the post office who had to trudge with her thighs rubbing violently against each other, appreciate the mind behind the balding pate and get pecked on the cheek by pan-chewing aunties. Love overfloweth and we drinketh from it in gulps. Choke..gurgle…….

But it hasn’t been smothering all the way. Somehow caring for other people and bothering about their comfort and happiness over the years has become so ingrained…it no more feels like an extra effort. Yes, the tears flow easy and the heart gets bandaged often but its still ok. Thanks mom & dad. We’ll try n leave the world a better place.

Not too surprising that the F in INFP (of Myers-Briggs fame) come naturally to me. :)

Met her

2004-06-23T09:54:00.000+05:30

I met her in the stairway. On my way down. I deliberately don't take the elevator from the 7th floor. The animated chatter of the co-employed, the smells of day-old deodorants, creased clothes, stares in your back...I detest them all. The routine inherent in the mobile steel enclosure kills me.

She was refreshingly unobstrusive unlike the rest of them. Did not look up, continued onwards fluidly. Almost felt as though we were meant to meet. Just the two of us. Design or destiny? Design, wasn't it? I had chosen to be there with her.
Felt good that I wasnt alone. They say dangerous stuff happens to lone women in lone stairways. Or is it dangeruos stuff happening to lone women?

Something about her seemed familiar. She was like someone you see often but never get acquainted with; the stranger never spoken to. I walked a little briskly to keep pace with her. She still did not turn nor did she bother to exchange a glance. I had had a normal day. The kind of day you have as an accomplished MBA in your late 20s working for a stable, reputed MNC. Its another day when youve chosen to live with mediocrity and wrung the last traces of idealism out of your life. When its all about precariously walking the rope to nowhere trying to justify to yourself in particular and the world in general that you havent been a 'failure'.

I spoke first. The greeting elicited a gracious smile. And I noticed her eyes. Sparkling with a genuineness I hadnt seen in awhile. So I decided to be a little bold and told her bout my day and that I had seen her around but hadnt spoken with her before. She looked at me and nodded. Well, it wasn't a dismissive nod so I continued. Told her about my work, the petty squabbles, the ego wars that were fought so mindlessly yet religiously and the home(?) I was returning to.
Id found a listener and a patient one at that! So I kept talking. Realised i was almost on the final landing leading out of the stairway and sheepishly told her that Id been impolite to have carried on a monologue without so much as asking her what her name was. It was strange that she had been content to listen for so long. No questions. No comments. I asked her again (wondering if she hadnt heard me). She looked right through me, smiled and didnt answer.Why was she so averse to conversation? And I had been so selfish to pour out!

I walked out as the evening sun seemed unsure of wanting to set over the city and the early moon stood waiting her turn. I thought we would part ways. But she seemed to linger. I secretly rejoiced. I wasn't alone anymore! I held her hand and purposefully dragged her along.

Silence and I were friends.

The Maggots (from The Descendants)

2004-06-15T20:00:00.000+05:30

At sunset, on the river bank, Krishna
Loved her for the last time and left...

That night in her husband's arms, Radha felt
So dead that he asked, What is wrong,
Do you mind my kisses, love? And she said,
No, not at all, but thought, What is
It to the corpse if the maggots nip?

At the Family Court

2004-06-15T19:57:00.000+05:30

At the Family Court
The lift wouldn't work
So they walked up
Four flights
Of stairs and passed
On the fourth landing
Two toilets, one marked,
For Judges only and one
For others. They used
The first though.
But no one charged
Them with contempt of Court.
Later, they sat in the hall
With some 20 others,
People come together
To be separated.
The four fans in the hall
Big as windmills
Breezed past
Their several lives.
Late in the noon
An attendant
Called out their names
And led them into a hall
Where the Judge
They met in the toilet said
They were no longer
Man and wife.

The more loving one

2004-06-12T13:24:00.000+05:30

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

2004-06-12T12:17:00.000+05:30

Kabhi yun bhi to ho
dariyaa kaa saahil ho, poore chaand ki raat ho
aur tum aao
kabhi yun bhi to ho
pariyon ki mahfil ho, koi tumhaari baat ho
aur tum aao

kabhi yun bhi to ho
ye naram mulaayam Thandi havaayen
jab ghar se tumhaare guzren, tumhaari Khushboo churaayen
mere ghar le aayen
kabhi yun bhi to ho

sooni har mahfil ho, koi naa mere saath ho
aur tum aao
kabhi yun bhi to ho

kabhi yun bhi to ho
ye baadal aisaa toot ke barse
mere dil ki tarah milne ko, tumhaara dil bhi tarse
tum niklo ghar se
kabhi yun bhi to ho

tanhaai ho, dil ho, boonde hoN barsaat ho aur tum aao
kabhi yuN bhi to ho
dariyaa kaa saahil ho, poore chaaNd ki raat ho
aur tum aao
kabhi yuN bhi to ho